Some advice from the maid-of-honor to her sister and future brother-in-law

When Mom and Dad announced they were expecting another baby, I launched a campaign for a brother, convinced to my bones that I had some sort of say in the matter. I was, after all, 4 years old.

Mom and Dad let it continue for a couple months before they had to break it to me via wallpapering the baby’s room in pink that I’d be getting a sister instead. They tried to ease the disappointment with a purple ribbon that said “Future big sister,” a park district class for siblings-to-be, and many assorted Golden Books.

It must have worked, because by the time August 15, 1996, rolled around, I was just happy to be getting a sibling. I’d have someone to play with! I’d have someone to read to! I’d have someone to blame for mysteriously broken and/or missing items around the house!

Of course, there was a lot more to having a sister, as I would come to learn. A five-year age difference meant that I was responsible for imparting upon her the right kinds of wisdom before she got to Glenbard North High School and the University of Missouri.

But now Bridget’s moving forward into marriage, which is a new chapter of life that I haven’t experienced yet, and so in order to continue my rather shiny track record of advice-giving, I’ve had to turn to the experts.

A couple years ago, our family took a weekend getaway to Kinderhook, Missouri, to stay in a cabin on a golf course and unplug for a few days. In your early and mid-20s, there’s only so much “unplugging” you can really do, so eventually Bridget and I started flipping through the decorative books placed throughout the house. And that’s when she discovered a volume of Reader’s Digest Condensed Books with an excerpt from Jean Kerr’s How I Got to be Perfect, published in 1954. What particularly grabbed our attention was a tongue-and-cheek informational quiz for both men and women trying to be perfect spouses. I’d like to share some of the advice with Bridget and Bryan today;

  • Bridget: When Bryan asks where his clean handkerchiefs have gone, offer him one of yours, but add that you’ll fold it so that the lace doesn’t show.
  • Bryan: When Bridget asks “Will you lower that ball game?” The proper response is “Is it bothering you? Why don’t I go up to the bedroom to listen to it on the portable?”
  • Bridget: If you’re crying and Bryan asks why, the proper response is “Because I’m silly…Give me a hug and take out the garbage, and I’ll be through here in no time.”
  • Bryan: If Bridget ever asks “Do you love me as much as you did the day we were married?” the response is NOT “Oh, Lord, not again.” Instead it’s “If you have to ask that question, it must be my fault. I musn’t be showing all the love I really feel.”

After watching you two grow in love and life together over the last few years, I don’t think any of this advice is truly needed. But I’m an older sister, and if there’s one thing we’re good at, it’s providing input whether it’s needed or not. Bridget knows that from 25 years of it, and now I’m very excited to play that role for my new brother, Bryan.

Is this a reboot, a remake or a sequel?

Yesterday at about 3:45 p.m. Central, I had the sudden urge to get to the water.

I can’t explain it: I usually avoid the Lake Michigan beaches like the plague, even in times that aren’t a plague. Call it residual hesitancy from a childhood where summer night news reports would announce that the fecal matter count was creeping up toward unsafe levels (because there’s a safe level?).

A 25-minute walk later, and I was back on the path that I used to run in pre-COVID days, staring out at the water:

Thursday afternoons in September are clearly a great time to go sit by the fickly fecal-infested lake.

Never before have I had such an intense need to get to this view before, and I still don’t know what drew me to it. If we’re being honest, the past 24 hours had been wrought with some personal drama and much-necessary self-reflection, none of which I feel like boring you with #onhere. Maybe it was an innate need to exhale all the drama and angst over Lake Michigan so that the breeze would carry it over to Indiana while I went back home to rewatch Oceans Thirteen only to realize I had actually never seen it and, two hours later, that who I thought was a budget Al Pacino actually was Al Pacino.

That’s just a snapshot of yesterday, and I don’t know why I decided to open with it on this post, apart from how it gave me an hour of a walk to think about how it was Thursday and another Friday was about to pass without me publishing anything to Convincing the Muse, making it nine weeks since my last substantive post.

I could lie and say I’ve been absent because I was reassessing what this blog is and why I contribute creative blood, sweat and tears to it for little in return. I could also lie and say it’s because I’ve been busy with a summer that I overfilled due to an already underdeveloped sense of mortality stunted even further by two jabs of Pfizer and the promise of a booster shot.

But I refuse to lie, and that’s why I’m not using this post to make any promises about a return to weekly Friday posts, or more substantive short stories, or constant NaNoWriMo updates come November. You might see more personal pieces a la Sara Benincasa or Samantha Irby (my new favorite essayist — please pick up her books ASAP). Maybe some updates on my newfound vim and vigor around querying Omaha. More Axiom Thorne entries from our now two-years-and-running D&D campaign, found fiction from the annals of my high school creative writing notebooks, and book and music recommendations.

Or maybe I just won’t post anything until after my sister’s wedding in two weeks because do you know how crazy wedding planning is, even when you’re merely the maid of honor and the bachelorette party has already been a success?

Maybe my 115 or so followers will unsubscribe from those WordPress email alerts. Maybe I’ll successfully kill this website by the end of the year and be out the 18 bucks I put down in July to renew the domain name. Maybe these posts will give my boyfriend a chuckle (and that’s worth it, honestly) or a fellow writer an idea for a story (go for it, fam) or the NSA something else to put in my file (eat my Google search dust, feds). Possibly all of the above, come to think of it.

Pitter-patter, let’s get at ’er.

Axiom Thorne: An ACTUAL Portrait of a Lady Unraveling

We’re about to hit the two-year mark on our Dungeons & Dragons campaign for which I created (and re-created, and continue to create) Axiom Thorne, and I’ve grown so attached to her that I commissioned a drawing of her from artist Chris Leverett.

Based on the information I gave him (that’s also included in this post), here is what he created:

All credit goes to Chris Leverett on this masterpiece.

Chris is a great artist to work with (he’s doing portraits of almost all the player characters in our campaign!). Here’s how you can contact him to commission a piece:

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisleverettart

Axiom Thorne: Portrait of a Lady Unraveling

Axiom Thorne is tall and wiry, with skin the color of whole milk that’s been warmed over a slow fire, then forgotten on the bedside table. Her white-blond tresses hang like teaser curtains around her angular face, obscuring it when she doesn’t feel like letting you see her long, thin nose, or her sharp jaw, or the fear creases that whisper across her forehead like stray hairs.

When you do get to see her face, the first thing you see is the dark black makeup streaking her eyes and the irises that cut through it like emeralds half-buried in soot. Her lips, also painted black, curl into a smirk more often than a smile. She inherited her mother’s elven ears and her father’s humanly sardonic wit.

Stick around and she might shift her hair all the way back behind her shoulders with long bony fingers that poke out of black leather gauntlets. She uses her mother’s “parlor magic” — as her nasty aunt would scoff — to add a shimmering holographic affect to chunks of her locks so that they reflect the light in ever-changing pink, blue, green, silver, back to pink flashes.

When she first boarded the Tenacious Sea with the others, she wore a runaway’s uniform: Dark tunic belted at the waist over nondescript breeches tucked into sensible boots. Since then, she’s been gifted far more fitting regalia for a future deity of the dead. A crown of vipers’ fangs sits precariously atop her head, a proud change from the hood she once used to shroud herself. Shiny black snakeskins knit and fuse together to create a harness and chest plate that cuts just above form-fitting pants made of the same dark scaly material. Slices of her white thighs reveal themselves between the loose weaving, invisibly protected by the armor’s magic. Stare at her new black platform boots long enough and you might see a beetle crawl up a wedged heel, over the lacing that binds around her calf, over its edge and into the safety inside of it.

The one thing Axiom has kept from her first appearance on the Tenacious Sea is also the only piece of color she deems fit to wear: A striped scarf, scrappy and uneven. Be careful not to touch it: Each color is the materialized aura of someone from whom she’s stolen magic. The scarf itself won’t taken anything from you, but it’s best not to let her or the Man with the Diamond Shoes and Gravel Voice know that you’ve taken an interest in it.

Don’t stare too long at the Whip of Certain Death at Axiom’s hip, either. Another upgrade since setting sail: It hangs in a coil not unlike the snakes that gave up their skins for her armor. And somehow it’s the mostly tightly wound item you’ll find on this woman who’s mentally unraveling all the while you’re looking at her.

Scene of the Write: Observations on a train to St. Louis

The following are observations made from a late June train trip from Chicago to St. Louis.

Just outside of Chicago: A boat graveyard, shells of old hulls and schloops tagged with graffiti inside a barbed-wire playpen. A shredded down comforter dangles from the wire, grayish-white stuffing droopy like mid-February snow drifts.

About an hour later, we’re stopped because they “have an issue on the train” they need to deal with. Anti-masker, perhaps — we just picked up some people in Joliet — but my brain is concocting a number of Mission: Impossible scenarios. Just outside the window is a country road flanked by stone pillars. The inscription is too small to read from here, but it’s fun watching as the drivers of cars are getting out and socializing while they wait for us to move out. There’s a man in a white sedan taking selfies, and a white limo with a driver dressed to the nines, taking his chances on getting out into the humid air.

On the way to Bloomington we pass a barn that looks like a drunk giant stepped into it, splintering half the roof and one wall down while the belfry still stands, weathered but intact.

Shortly after 5:15, the man sitting next to me — the one in bright green Chuck Taylor high-tops, with a copy of Reza Aslan’s Zealot that he’s halfway through, with a kid on the way and a weekend at the Cards game with some friends before he becomes a dad (all of which I learned by eavesdropping on his phone call for the first two hours of the trip) — offers me a shot of Bulleit Bourbon from a sealed bottle. I decline and watch as he proceeds to make a bourbon and coke in a thermos mug.

It’s happy hour on a Friday in the tiny towns we pass, too. A group sits in lawn chairs next to an above-ground pool in Macoupin County, a couple igloo coolers warming in the low evening sun. It makes me wonder what would be different about me if I had grown up in a town with a grain silo next door and Amtrak route cutting through my subdivision. Or if I’d be one of those people knocking back a Bud in the summer evening, watching the train from Chicago click-clack past, wondering what life would be like if I was on it.

Found fiction: Agatha’s notes, Part 1

This piece was discovered, undated, in a notebook from 2017. It’s clearly an unused piece from my work-inprogress house exorcism book.

They were the kind of people that you wanted to be friends with long enough to see how they planned their funerals.

Just a few minutes of aimless chit-chat over drinks — isn’t the weather unusually nice for this time of year? Sure is, won’t see me complaining. We were actually thinking of hitting the beach this weekend, can you believe it? The beach in March? Who’d have thought?! — and the room had disappeared. Now Agatha took diligent notes as she witnessed how he timed his sips of whiskey with his smiles, how she eyed and spun her wine around in the glass even though white wine doesn’t need aeration. Agatha scribbled down that she “was drunk off their ease and she hadn’t even tasted the beer he had shoved into her hand.”

Reading her notes a year later, I could tell from the way her tight script elongated, starting prim and preloaded in the notebook and quickly stretching to twice its size. My handwriting does the same thing when I’m rushing to capture a quote from a source or my own head. My brain’s a fast-talker.

Axiom Thorne: I’ve been a contender

So that’s the way my gravel-voiced, knit-throated patron wants to play it? Give me powers, pit me against his other creations, and see emerges alive?

Bring it on, I say.

Though I also wonder what the Man with the Colorful Scarf and Diamond Shoes saw in that 12-year-old girl he lured into that alley with promises of magic. Maybe my mother’s aura was shining through me the way Aunt Lissie used to say it did — she was the nicest of the aunts, the most spiritual but the most ephemeral, having died when I was young.

One of my first memories was her voice saying “I see your mother’s aura in you.” I remember it because I didn’t know what it meant, as much as I desperately wished I understood everything that came from her sapphire-tinted lips. My mother used to say that Lissie, the first-born of the triplets, had drained her two other sisters of their elf blood before emerging from the womb with pearlescent hair and lips the color of emeralds. (They mellowed to a soft blue in her teen years.)

But elf blood doesn’t protect you from speeding wagons carrying green cakes to the market, especially when you’re in such a deep trance communing with the spirit world that you don’t pay attention to where you’re crossing the street. So 7-year-old me never really knew what Aunt Lissie saw that would make her say such a thing.

And now I suppose whatever glowing halo or rainbow-tinted haze she saw whenever she looked at Child Me had led to the events that put Adult Me in snakeskin armor, a Whip of Certain Death at my hip and the ability to summon demons and death in my hands, waiting to find out whether I’d become god or dust.

Fig explained the runes pretty clearly: The Man with the Colorful Scarf and his three fellow viziers each chose a mortal who could become their new god. They expect us to find and kill each other until the sole survivor ascends the throne. One contender already has attempted to murder me and half the Hydra crew, failed, and been reincarnated in the body of the blasted bird-monster that Urto’s been trying to raise in his tiny captain’s quarters.

This sick game reminds me of the town-wide mock-battles that we participated in as teenagers back home. The skirmish would last a month of every four summers. We would start with three or four “armies,” all soldiers armed with fake swords that we would use to tap our enemies on the shoulder or leg to signify a kill. By the end of the first week, the teams would succumb to in-fighting and friendly fire; new alliances would be made in the second week; and by the third, it would be every player for themselves. The last soldier standing, untouched by a wooden blade, would preside over a special party the day before the Crestbalm Fete.

I didn’t win the year I played, so don’t get your hopes up for a reminiscence of victory. Neither did Ansel. And you know the Baker’s Boy didn’t live long enough to even consider playing.

But there was something about the savagery of war touching our tiny, peaceful village that was so pervertedly delicious, so taboo, that even the most sage village leaders found themselves assisting in ambushes and placing wagers on who they thought might win.

So trust me when I say I’m not a stranger to the spirit of competition. I just like to know I’m competing before almost getting torn to pieces by the opposition.

I also like to know what I’m fighting for, be it a party or what the Man with the Colorful Scarf and his trilliant-bestowing companions are offering: Godly dominion over a city of undead who toil in the shadow of a black pyramid that strangely resembles the stone that seems to have taken the place of my beating heart.

And while the population of such a kingdom might deter some, I just come to the same conclusion: Real estate is real estate. A throne is a throne. And seeing as I feel like a god most days already, actually becoming one only seems like my logical next step.

Music of the Write: “Wolf Like Me” by Lera Lynn and Shovels & Rope

Two weeks ago as I prepped my current project for my beta readers, I found myself playing a single song on repeat — if it doesn’t land on my Spotify Wrap-Up in December, I would be surprised.

“Wolf Like Me” is originally a TV on the Radio song but I had no idea of its alternative rock origins when I started annoying my neighbors with Lera Lynn and Shovels & Rope’s cover. For some reason, the sound of Lynn’s voice, the harmonies, the arrangement and the growing tempo and strength of the track provided the perfect drumbeat by which to slice and dice, shuffle and scuffle, reword and rewrite the first half of Lucky Ellis’ story.

So I’m sharing it here: Maybe someone else will find they experience the same strange calming and energizing effect within its four minutes.

(And if you like Lera Lynn, check out all the music she made for True Detective, including “My Least Favorite Life,” which is also on the Lucky Ellis playlist.)

Vignette: Something I Know Won’t Desert Me

Greg’s car was so beat up that the little metal nameplate declaring its make and model was missing off the side and a family of rats had chewed a hole — an actual hole — through the rusty floor of the back seat so that a passenger could watch the pavement blur by, just between their feet. His grandfather had died in this car. No, it wasn’t that old a vehicle: it was the typical mid-1990s four-door sedan with a vinyl roof and velveteen seats that attracted drivers who should probably turn in their licenses and move into a retirement home with a nice bus service, rather than seek out a new set of wheels. Greg’s gramps died behind the wheel while stopped at a light. No one was hurt but they were annoyed at this fucking sedan blocking the intersection.

And now people were annoyed at this fucking sedan illegally speeding through intersections with a fleet of cop cars on its tail. As it happened, Greg’s own car broke down a day before the big heist, so he had to rely on the kindness of dead relatives to supply him with an emergency getaway ride for the crew. Needless to say, none of them, particularly Bellamy, was impressed.

But fuck Bellamy.

“Fuck Bellamy,” Leo screamed at the steering wheel as he tore down the street, burning a bitter layer of rubber off the sedan’s tires.

“Yeah, fuck Bellamy,” said Carm, known by the group as The Echo for the fact she rarely said anything other than what someone else had just said a moment earlier.

Fonzi — not his real name, but a moniker fitting his leather jacket and warm Henry Winkler charm — was bleeding out in the backseat, clutching his chest as if it would help. Greg hovered over him, putting pressure on seemingly every spot but the bullethole geysering blood. Every speed bump they hit meant a groan and a spray of lung blood hitting the back driver’s side window that Greg’s gramps had spent his final hours cleaning with Windex.

Something else about the car’s original owner: he got so frustrated with the radio one day that he punched the On/Off knob hard enough to leave the radio permanently on and set to a local oldies channel. So accompanying Fonzi’s screams, Greg’s squeams, Leo’s swears and Carm’s parroting was Stevie Wonder declaring that “for once in my life I’ve got someone who needs me.”

“Someone turn off the fucking Marvin Gaye,” Greg yelled.

“Hey,” roared Leo, taking a hard right turn. “Have some respect — its Stevie fucking Wonder, asshole.”

“It’s Stevie fucking Wonder,” Carm doubled-down.

“And it’s my fucking car — I don’t care who it is, just turn it the. Fuck. Off,” Greg demanded as they hit another bump. Fonzi coughed blood directly into Greg’s face, as if things weren’t messy enough.

“Seriously, what the fuck was Bellamy playing at back there?” Leo seethed. In the rear view mirror he watched with mirth as Greg wiped Fonzi’s blood off his face. The bastard deserved it, sticking them with this rust bucket of a getaway car.

“Fucking Bellamy,” Carm said.

Stevie Wonder continued singing. Leo turned it up to drown out the sirens gaining on their tail — sirens that fucking Bellamy practically set on their asses when he tripped the alarm. The man was a savant when it came to navigating security: by no way was that an accident. Neither was the smiling sparkle in his eyes as he watched the rest of the crew fall into a panic when the first cop shows up, gun drawn and handcuffs at his waist jingling hungrily.

“We can’t hit the safe house,” Greg said, like he was the only one in the car thinking it. If Fonzi didn’t moan in anguish every time Leo hit a bump, he would have hit every pothole between here and the border just to toss Greg around the back of the car. Remind him how he’d screwed them all with this pitiful excuse for a Plan B.

As it was, Fonzi was the only guy in the group — possibly in the city — that Leo liked, and because of that he was doing every mental calculation to figure out how Fonz could live and they could all stay out of prison.

As Stevie declared he had something that wouldn’t desert him, Leo was faced with the reality that he had to pick between the two: either they could put Fonzi in a hospital bed and themselves in handcuffs, or this baby-boomer-mobile would be a hearse by the end of the day. By the end of the hour. And it couldn’t happen to a nic

What the hell, Leo thought as he cut the wheel into the hospital parking lot. He didn’t like the others much anyway.

I see you shiver with antici…

Tim Curry wakes me up with that line some mornings. It’s just tucked into the folds of my brain, in that rolling enunciation he has:

“I see you shiver with antici—

—pation.”

I’ve seen Rocky Horror Picture Show maybe twice in my life, thought a midnight dress-up show is on my bucket list. But there’s something about that line: About the onomatopoetic joke that combines a creative sense of word play with Curry’s incomparable delivery.

I can’t even say it wakes me up on mornings where something big’s happening. It didn’t wake me up this morning, but I’m thinking about it tonight as I’m waiting for something really wonderful to happen in just a couple hours. I’d say more but…this isn’t that kind of blog. Winky-face emoji.

Instead of shivering with anticipation, here’s the scene, written out as the biggest cheat of a blog post I think I’ve ever written:

Jessie Ware’s What’s Your Pleasure album is spinning on the turntable. The cheap Victrola suitcase player doesn’t do justice to the depth of this album‘s production value, but after months of searching and waiting for Best Buy, then Amazon, to cancel my order of a vinyl copy, I finally got the album from a tiny record shop in Chicago. Buy local, buy indie. The song that’s playing is “Step Into My Life.” Every song on this album is good, though. This and Rina Sawayama’s SAWAYAMA kept me sane during Summer of My Suburban Pandemic.

A candle from Burke & Hare Co. is burning. It’s the Nevermore scent — tobacco, teakwood, vanilla and black pepper, like a high-line cologne that covers up the smell of the brownies I baked earlier.

Instead of reading the biography on Gypsy Rose Lee that’s waiting for me on my bedside table or watching the third episode of Halston on Netflix or god forbid doing more online shopping, I’m waiting for Sims 4 to finish updating so I can build a house and bulldoze it. That’s what I do now, I’ve learned. Sims isn’t fun as an adult: The excitement of building a person, giving them a house, finding them a job, make friends when you’re a barely a teenager completely dulls when you realize that your little virtual person is just as damn tired as you are, juggling the house, the job, the friends. So now I just build and demolish, like a kid constructing sandcastles at the beach.

I told a friend last night that I didn’t know what to do with myself now that my beta reader team has a copy of the first half of my novel: The logical thing would be to start the second half, but I’m far from logical with a can of Dark Horse wine in my system. He suggested I put on music and dance around the apartment.

Jessie Ware just started singing “Mirage (Don’t Stop).” Seems as good a time as ever to get on my my groove.