Vignette: Something I Know Won’t Desert Me

Greg’s car was so beat up that the little metal nameplate declaring its make and model was missing off the side and a family of rats had chewed a hole — an actual hole — through the rusty floor of the back seat so that a passenger could watch the pavement blur by, just between their feet. His grandfather had died in this car. No, it wasn’t that old a vehicle: it was the typical mid-1990s four-door sedan with a vinyl roof and velveteen seats that attracted drivers who should probably turn in their licenses and move into a retirement home with a nice bus service, rather than seek out a new set of wheels. Greg’s gramps died behind the wheel while stopped at a light. No one was hurt but they were annoyed at this fucking sedan blocking the intersection.

And now people were annoyed at this fucking sedan illegally speeding through intersections with a fleet of cop cars on its tail. As it happened, Greg’s own car broke down a day before the big heist, so he had to rely on the kindness of dead relatives to supply him with an emergency getaway ride for the crew. Needless to say, none of them, particularly Bellamy, was impressed.

But fuck Bellamy.

“Fuck Bellamy,” Leo screamed at the steering wheel as he tore down the street, burning a bitter layer of rubber off the sedan’s tires.

“Yeah, fuck Bellamy,” said Carm, known by the group as The Echo for the fact she rarely said anything other than what someone else had just said a moment earlier.

Fonzi — not his real name, but a moniker fitting his leather jacket and warm Henry Winkler charm — was bleeding out in the backseat, clutching his chest as if it would help. Greg hovered over him, putting pressure on seemingly every spot but the bullethole geysering blood. Every speed bump they hit meant a groan and a spray of lung blood hitting the back driver’s side window that Greg’s gramps had spent his final hours cleaning with Windex.

Something else about the car’s original owner: he got so frustrated with the radio one day that he punched the On/Off knob hard enough to leave the radio permanently on and set to a local oldies channel. So accompanying Fonzi’s screams, Greg’s squeams, Leo’s swears and Carm’s parroting was Stevie Wonder declaring that “for once in my life I’ve got someone who needs me.”

“Someone turn off the fucking Marvin Gaye,” Greg yelled.

“Hey,” roared Leo, taking a hard right turn. “Have some respect — its Stevie fucking Wonder, asshole.”

“It’s Stevie fucking Wonder,” Carm doubled-down.

“And it’s my fucking car — I don’t care who it is, just turn it the. Fuck. Off,” Greg demanded as they hit another bump. Fonzi coughed blood directly into Greg’s face, as if things weren’t messy enough.

“Seriously, what the fuck was Bellamy playing at back there?” Leo seethed. In the rear view mirror he watched with mirth as Greg wiped Fonzi’s blood off his face. The bastard deserved it, sticking them with this rust bucket of a getaway car.

“Fucking Bellamy,” Carm said.

Stevie Wonder continued singing. Leo turned it up to drown out the sirens gaining on their tail — sirens that fucking Bellamy practically set on their asses when he tripped the alarm. The man was a savant when it came to navigating security: by no way was that an accident. Neither was the smiling sparkle in his eyes as he watched the rest of the crew fall into a panic when the first cop shows up, gun drawn and handcuffs at his waist jingling hungrily.

“We can’t hit the safe house,” Greg said, like he was the only one in the car thinking it. If Fonzi didn’t moan in anguish every time Leo hit a bump, he would have hit every pothole between here and the border just to toss Greg around the back of the car. Remind him how he’d screwed them all with this pitiful excuse for a Plan B.

As it was, Fonzi was the only guy in the group — possibly in the city — that Leo liked, and because of that he was doing every mental calculation to figure out how Fonz could live and they could all stay out of prison.

As Stevie declared he had something that wouldn’t desert him, Leo was faced with the reality that he had to pick between the two: either they could put Fonzi in a hospital bed and themselves in handcuffs, or this baby-boomer-mobile would be a hearse by the end of the day. By the end of the hour. And it couldn’t happen to a nic

What the hell, Leo thought as he cut the wheel into the hospital parking lot. He didn’t like the others much anyway.

I see you shiver with antici…

Tim Curry wakes me up with that line some mornings. It’s just tucked into the folds of my brain, in that rolling enunciation he has:

“I see you shiver with antici—

—pation.”

I’ve seen Rocky Horror Picture Show maybe twice in my life, thought a midnight dress-up show is on my bucket list. But there’s something about that line: About the onomatopoetic joke that combines a creative sense of word play with Curry’s incomparable delivery.

I can’t even say it wakes me up on mornings where something big’s happening. It didn’t wake me up this morning, but I’m thinking about it tonight as I’m waiting for something really wonderful to happen in just a couple hours. I’d say more but…this isn’t that kind of blog. Winky-face emoji.

Instead of shivering with anticipation, here’s the scene, written out as the biggest cheat of a blog post I think I’ve ever written:

Jessie Ware’s What’s Your Pleasure album is spinning on the turntable. The cheap Victrola suitcase player doesn’t do justice to the depth of this album‘s production value, but after months of searching and waiting for Best Buy, then Amazon, to cancel my order of a vinyl copy, I finally got the album from a tiny record shop in Chicago. Buy local, buy indie. The song that’s playing is “Step Into My Life.” Every song on this album is good, though. This and Rina Sawayama’s SAWAYAMA kept me sane during Summer of My Suburban Pandemic.

A candle from Burke & Hare Co. is burning. It’s the Nevermore scent — tobacco, teakwood, vanilla and black pepper, like a high-line cologne that covers up the smell of the brownies I baked earlier.

Instead of reading the biography on Gypsy Rose Lee that’s waiting for me on my bedside table or watching the third episode of Halston on Netflix or god forbid doing more online shopping, I’m waiting for Sims 4 to finish updating so I can build a house and bulldoze it. That’s what I do now, I’ve learned. Sims isn’t fun as an adult: The excitement of building a person, giving them a house, finding them a job, make friends when you’re a barely a teenager completely dulls when you realize that your little virtual person is just as damn tired as you are, juggling the house, the job, the friends. So now I just build and demolish, like a kid constructing sandcastles at the beach.

I told a friend last night that I didn’t know what to do with myself now that my beta reader team has a copy of the first half of my novel: The logical thing would be to start the second half, but I’m far from logical with a can of Dark Horse wine in my system. He suggested I put on music and dance around the apartment.

Jessie Ware just started singing “Mirage (Don’t Stop).” Seems as good a time as ever to get on my my groove.

Beta Readers Assemble: Pulling together the ultimate review team

I’m trying something new with Lucky Ellis and sending out the first half of the draft to my beta reading team before I even get my head wrapped around the second half. There are a couple reasons for this: One is that I’m hoping that once the first half is finalized — which I won’t feel it is until my trusted cabal gives input — it’ll provide an unalterable basis for the second half.

The other reason is I just need a bit of a spiritual uplift to get my energy up for writing Part Two. Hey, we’re all human. We all need our ego boost sometimes.

I don’t usually post “how to” articles on here, but this morning I found myself thinking about my beta reader team for this project and how it’s different from the project before it, which was different from the project before that, etc. So here are my tips for finding your A-team for beta reading:

1. Think about the project, not the people.

It’s really easy to fall into the trap of “she’s my best friend” or “he read the last one” or “my boss found out I write and really wants to read it now” when drafting your team. Don’t. (Unless your job might be in jeopardy if you leave your boss out, in which case maybe start looking for a different gig?)

Let the nature of the project be your guide. Did it require a lot of world-building and lore creation? Find your Game of Thrones fans and Dungeons & Dragons DMs. Is it a romance? Call on your friend who eats Harlequin paperbacks for breakfast. Did you risk getting put on a watchlist for all the dark, murdery Google searches you did? If you have any friends in the medical industry, consider asking them to take a look.

In practice, here’s what that looks like: My first book, Omaha, included a lot of neuroscientific and anatomical details, so my friend Noah, who had just concluded his neurology rotation at med school, was the first one I called upon to read it. He gave me some pointers but seemed rather disturbed at how spot-on I was in creating my speculative brain-chip-driven dystopia.

Noah didn’t read Nobody’s Hero, though. For that one, I called on Cody, who once led the Loyola University Comic Book Club and has an encyclopedic knowledge of heroes and villains across big-name and indie series. He was able to give me some pointers on how to structure Nightfire’s team and create a stronger “big bad” for the ending.

But there are a few constant draftees in my beta reading team, which brings me to no. 2:

2. Find your expert readers, and make sure they don’t all look like you.

Almost all my close friends are readers, but there are some that are simply voracious: They read entire books in a weekend and know all the Book World Drama that goes on. These are my Expert Readers and have an automatic place on the board.

The team is also as diverse as possible. I make a conscious effort to ensure my books have characters of various races, sexualities, genders, cultures, ages, etc., which means that I’m not always writing from my own personal experience: As a single, childless white woman of considerable privilege, I’m only have one kind of perspective. That’s why my beta teams are filled with people unlike me — women of color, non-straight friends, parents, older, younger.

Note, however, that having a diverse beta reading team is not a substitute for hiring a professional sensitivity reader. You should still pay someone with that expertise to read your work before publishing.

3. Convey the importance of the job but don’t take it personally when half your team fails on their mission.

They say when throwing a party to only expect half the guest list. The same goes for beta reading. I usually get 2/3 of my readers to give me feedback, and only 1/3 of them do it in the timeframe I ask. Why? Well, we’re all busy adults with lives and day jobs and better things to do than read my newest book. So give your beta team a flexible deadline and lots of gratitude up-front so they know you understand what an undertaking this is — and to drive home to them, too, how much their feedback means to you.

Because the truth is, without beta readers, a lot of our work wouldn’t make it off our laptops and Google drives and into the hands of agents, editors and publishers. So choose wisely!

Another dead darling from Lucky Ellis

Clearly editing is under way on Lucky Ellis, which means the literary bodies are being buried and this blog is the unmarked grave.

Here’s a tight two paragraphs that serve as better background on one Mr. Wade Higgs. I cut them because the book is, for the most part, third person non-omniscient. Spoiler alert: Wade Higgs is not the kind-hearted but gruff outlaw he appears to be in the first chapters of the story.

So here it is:

The fact was that Wade Higgs was tired of bedding only women who did all the work. Sure, there was a pleasure to be had having a beautiful — or at least palatable — lady ride his dick while his only role was to enjoy the view and sensation, but it was becoming too predictable, and if there was one kiss-of-death sign for a gunslinger train robber, it was predictability.

No, what Wade Higgs had come to realize was that he missed having some active responsibility in all the screwing he was doing. He brought this up to Mimi once, hoping she would understand and point him to the best girl in the house for such a task, but the woman she recommended thought he wanted resistance. That wasn’t the case at all — he merely wanted a consenting, desiring novice. So when he saw Lucinda Ellis, a woman he already felt a greater fondness for than any woman in his history, dressed in a chemise and corset, he had put the two together. And, as luck and Lucky would have it, she was consenting and delivered in the exact way he craved.

Vignette: Delilah, Spectral Resident of Haythorne Mansion Events and Memories Center

Delilah missed orange juice cans. Orange juice didn’t come in cans anymore — at least not in this new kitchen, with every surface now sterile stainless steel. There wasn’t any food in this kitchen anymore until the people in white coats arrived with clear boxes of sliced vegetables, stacks of boring white china, and unlimited cans of Sterno.

She missed rolling her waist-length black hair — freshly washed, maybe freshly ironed — up in the cans, pinning it there for an hour, and watching as she undid it all and the locks would fall now tit-height, perfectly bent in on the ends, the exact way Max liked it.

Max was her boyfriend at the time of her death, see. He took her to all the swinging pads for parties. She missed the parties too, come to think of it. And that low-cut orange jumpsuit she wore, with the brass and turquoise chain belt that hit just at the wide part of her hips. She bought it in a small boutique just down the street from this house she now called home. She should have been wearing it that night in 1973. She would have, had she known she’d spend the rest of eternity in the clothes she stepped out in that night.

As it was, she had worn the two-piece yellow set that everyone thought looked exactly like what Cher wore to the Oscars just months before: yellow chiffon with beading that showed off the flat belly she had finally attained on her steady diet of cocaine and not much else. She relished the reactions to it more than the outfit itself.

And now she was dead, and when people saw her, it wasn’t the scandalous clothing that inspired the gasps and double-takes. It was the fact they were faced with the spectral figure of a woman who had snorted a line and exhaled her life in the smaller guest bathroom at a hopping party at 666 W. Walcott Street on June 2, 1973, and now stepped out on any given afternoon to find herself in the middle of Haythorne Mansion Events and Memories Center during a wedding, anniversary party, family reunion, Super Sweet 16, bat or bar mitzvah, graduation party, christening, First Communion, bachelorette party, bachelor party, funeral luncheon or — and this was the most disgusting of all — an intervention.

So she did what any good cocaine overdose victim does for 50 years after dying in a house bathroom: She started pilfering whatever drugs she could find in guests’ purses and pockets.

It’s not that the pocket squares hiding joints, hollow tampon tubes of blow, sticker books of acid, Altoid tins of molly, or sunglasses-case-turned-heroin-kit did much for her. They did nothing, actually. Delilah just needed the high of causing a bit of mischief to brighten her days. She also liked the privacy of that second bathroom and didn’t need another fool OD-ing and joining her domain here in the house.

It was crowded enough in here with Walter tsk-tsking her from his perch on the upstairs banister, wearing that filthy coat from 1918 and going on and on about the goddamn Spanish Flu.

I killed another darling this week

Before I end up on any watchlists, remember that “kill your darlings” is a term used by writers to discuss cutting out a part of a project that they love. No actual murders were committed.

In fact, I don’t even know if I could call what I did this week to a part of Lucky Ellis (continued working title) as “killing.” Rather, I think I “human-centipeded” a darling, in that I took a large piece that I loved when I wrote it over National Novel Writing Month — you know, the slow-paced writing time where we’re all of sound mind and judgment — and edited it beyond recognition, sandwiching it with two other darlings from other parts of the book until it became an atrocity of genius.

*For the record I have never seen Human Centipede.

Anyway, I learned from another writer to always save renditions, so I’m preserving the original darling here on the blog in case I ever want to return to it. Any beta readers who see it won’t recognize it in the book, and the rest of you can just silently pass judgment on whether it deserved to be called a darling at all:

The aforementioned “darling:”

Lucky didn’t wear a corset as a matter of practicality: It was hard to tend to the barn or put up reserves for winter while being cinched inside a casket of whalebone and cloth. As a farmer’s daughter already promised to the undertaker’s son, even on special occasions she had little need to spruce up in the way the high-fashion magazines recommended. Just as it had no brothel, her town had no ladies’ shops, apart from the small corner of the haberdashery that Mrs. Yarbourg used to sell her millinery creations. The only Crocus Falls woman to own a corset — Darcy Templeton — had worn it exactly once, felt a fool, and was never seen in it again.  

So it was quite the surprise when Corinne was able to pull all the oxygen out of Lucky’s lungs with just a tug on two delicate ribbons.

“Breathe out and suck in,” she directed.

“Is this some sort of sick initiation?” Lucky wheezed, the corset tightening another quarter inch.

“You need to look right,” Corinne groaned, pulling the ribbons again, almost maliciously. 

“Maybe Wade yelled your name when he was fucking Corinne,” Marigold said with a giggle. Lucky wasn’t sure what had just made her stomach plummet: The way Marigold had caressed her cheek, albeit jokingly? The thought of Wade not just having sex with this woman, but thinking of Lucky while doing it? Or maybe Corinne had pulled the corset so tightly that it had finally squeezed her organs out of her body and onto the floor.

Corinne tied the corset’s strings at the bottom. Lucky inhaled cautiously and was surprised to find that it wasn’t impossible to breathe. Corinne victoriously patted her on the left buttock and sat down, a sheen of sweat covering her face.

Lucky looked in the mirror above the vanity and didn’t recognize the woman staring back. After months of living with and acting like men, she had resigned herself to looking like them as well, even when wearing women’s clothing. But the woman standing in the mirror before her had long, dark hair plaited attractively over a shoulder. Her face was clean and highlighted with rouge, the eyes defined with a line of kohl along each lid. The figure she had grown accustomed to binding and hiding beneath linen and wool work clothes was now accentuated into an hourglass by a cream-colored corset and gossamer chemise that puffed out at the top and bottom. 

Marigold’s arms encircled her waist from behind, her chin landing on her shoulder.

“The marshal’s not the only one you need to look out for down there. If she sees you, Miss Mimi will want you to stay here with us,” she said, giving Lucky a peck on the cheek.

Found Fiction: Zombies in the Newsroom

This piece was found in an old writing notebook from college under the date January 18, 2012. I had just finished a stint working for the city paper on the edge of campus, and I must have been picturing the Missourian’s newsroom while writing this. That bit about the mandatory lockdown and no one paying attention certainly seems precient for our COVID days…

She held her hand to her mouth as she chewed because she didn’t like the way she looked when she ate. There were only three other people in the tired-looking newsroom, and only two of them in close proximity, and all munching down CLIF protein bards they had salvaged from the public safety reporter’s desk drawer.

It was odd: The university had sent out the first alarm calling for a mandatory lockdown, but no one really adhered to the rules. The only reason Jae stayed was because she as on the phone with an important source. One minute he was talking. The next, there was a crash on the other end, and all she could do was sit frozen with the earpiece glued to her head as his screams muddled with chomping and moaning faded out and the line went dead.

Jae’s first step was to discard her phone and run out of the room and to the left, where she went into the bathroom and barely got to the sink in time to vomit. She came out to see a mass of people leaving as the intercom began blaring a warning siren.

“All buildings will be on lockdown in 10 minutes,” said an automated voice, its pleasant tone clashing with the group of people hustling down the stairs, out the door and into the streets to sprint home or to the nearest bar. It was a college town, after all.

Excerpt: How Ester Met Lucky

In another life, Ester Roth would have been plowing the fields alongside her husband, waiting for the sun to go down and give them a little relief in the hot basin that was The Devil’s Cup. As it was, she was slipping out of the stopped locomotive, her white coat catching the cool breeze like the tail of a ghost.

Penelope was waiting on a horse just below the berm, holding the reins of Ester’s own palomino. Jessamine had already made it and mounted behind Penelope, her arm looped tightly around the woman’s waist. Jessamine had complained bitterly about having to double-up on a single horse until she learned Penelope would be her partner — and Ester suspected it wasn’t just because Penelope was the strongest rider in the group.

Ester insisted on being the last person off any train they robbed. It was her calling card, in a way: The dark-skinned woman in a white coat disappearing like a ghost with an entire first class car’s worth of jewels, cash and bullets. Her pockets jingled a little with the final pieces she had taken — today, three gold teeth punched out of the mouth of a man. The last word they had been used to say was the nastiest word anyone could call Ester, and she intended to take them as her price. All she could hope for was that the blood remaining in the crevices of the molars wouldn’t soak through the pocket lining and white linen of her coat.

“Hot day for robbing,” she muttered to herself as she began a quick descent down the hill, swiftly missing a protruding rock and instead leaping onto the back of her horse.

They rode like hell until the smoke from the train’s engine was thinner than a hair in the distance. When they arrived at the camp at the edge of the forest, she and the others presented their take proudly as Rhiannon brought each of them cups of water that had half-emptied as she hobbled with them from the cool sterilization pot. Her ankle was better, she promised, but Ester wasn’t ready to risk it. She had seen too many people literally jump back on their feet after an injury and end up twice as hurt as before.

“Did we miss anything?” Ester asked, stretching one leg out in front of her as she yanked the boot off the other.

“Willie says she heard something in the brush, but it was probably just a rabbit,” Rhiannon said. “By the time I was listening, I didn’t hear anything.”

“The minute we say ‘it was probably just a rabbit,’ it’s going to be a ranger instead,” Ester said, watching a rock fall from her boot before slipping it back on. “I’ll walk the perimeter after lunch. Don’t want anyone catching Singing Bird on her way.”

Though if Ester was being honest, Singing Bird was the more capable at self-defense than Ester, Rhiannon and Willie combined. She knew the land and had traveled much of it, as her tribe had to constantly move to avoid the eastern settlers who were gobbling up the land 160 acres at a time. Ester shuddered to think of how many times Singing Bird might have had to fight a rancher or cavalryman off.

Once she had emptied her other boot of the pebbles and dirt making her feet itch, she took a last swig of water, grabbed her rifle and knife, and disappeared into the woods surrounding the camp. This time of summer, the leaves were deceptively green: Lush in look, but crunchy underfoot, making it nearly impossible to slip through the underbrush undetected.

Of course, that made it hard for anyone else to be quiet, either, which worked in Ester’s favor. Once she had gone deep enough into the woods, she stopped beneath a thick-trunked tree and focused her ears for anything that wasn’t the rustling leaves or her own breath.

She heard it pretty quickly, a distant thrashing of something that didn’t seem to care how much noise it made. That meant it couldn’t be Singing Bird or any of her family; they slipped in and out of the trees like a whisper. And if it was a tracker being sent after them, it was someone who had little finesse and would likely be easy to subdue.

The rustling continued, but it didn’t get closer. Ester tiptoed around the tree to see if she could spot anything. Soon she was walking deeper into the forest, the sound getting louder.

She found it fairly quickly. A wild boar was making its way down a ravine. Ester crouched behind a bush, aiming her rifle: The meat would keep her merry madwomen fed for days.

Ester pulled the trigger. The sound spooked the boar, and it lost its footing, sliding down the remainder of the ravine wall. She swore silently, but then was spooked herself when she heard another gunshot. There was no way an echo would take that long to come back.

And there was no way an echo would also include a scream like the one that followed.

Ester rolled out from behind the bush and crawled closer to the ravine’s edge. Across the way, almost parallel with her across the chasm, was a group of men, one holding a smoking gun. They were so busy looking down into the gorge that they didn’t notice her, and once they were seemingly satisfied with the site at the bottom of it, they turned and disappeared back into the brush.

There didn’t seem to be anything at the bottom of the ravine except the boar, which had picked itself up and was now snorting and beating the ground with one of its hooves. Ester imagined there was a coyote or something down there until she saw movement. It was a person, gender indeterminable but panic palpable.

Checking to be sure the men at the top of the ravine had truly gone, Ester hiked up the tail of her white coat under her armpits and slid on her bottom down the smoothest path along the ravine’s wall. She was close enough now to see it was a woman, dark brown hair falling out of its twig-adorned braid, who was scrambling to get away from the boar. The revolver in her hand shot once, twice, and then clicked — the smallest yet scariest sound to anyone in these parts.

Ester took aim with her rifle and pulled the trigger. The bullet hit the boar right in the eye, and the beast’s legs crumpled under it.

The woman fell back in relief, succumbing to the euphoria of survival for a split second before getting her guard up again. Ester took advantage of this brief moment of weakness to walk up and look down at the woman she had just saved. She was white under all the mud streaking her face, and strapped around her chest was a ratty carpetbag, clearly empty apart from some tattered lining.

Feeling confident that the woman was out of bullets, Ester stepped around her to examine the boar. Its bloody eye socket resembled an exploded ripe plum, but the rest of it was in tact and begging to be hoisted on a spit and roasted. Ester’s stomach rumbled in anticipation.

When she heard the woman stir again, she looked over and smiled.

“That’s dinner for the week,” she announced. “Lucky I got here in time, huh?”

Axiom Thorne: I saw Ansel kissing Flora Jayne

With our crew number shrinking and body count growing, it’s come to my attention that the ensemble on the Hydra might want to know what the fuck is going on.

Ansel asked me that once — in those exact words, too.

“What the fuck is going on, Axiom?” He screamed from the center of the locust- and beetle-filled vortex spinning around him. Though at that time, I had to answer honestly: “I don’t know.”

Momma had died by that time.

Wait — Momma’s not dead. She just forgot I exist, that’s all. Sorry: I can’t keep straight which version of the story I’ve told you. There have been so many variations at this point.

So Momma was still alive and well. She was in the kitchen, though whether she was cooking, baking or fixing something is foggy in my memory. Momma did it all because there was no one else who could.

Ansel and I had to be 13 or 14. I think it wasn’t too much time after Stephan the Baker’s Boy disintegrated into bony mulch on the riverbank. Even on the hottest days that summer, every time I saw a beetle scuttle across my window sill or heard a cicada in the tree, I grew chilly under the colorful striped scarf tied around my neck. Just the buzz of a worker bee would force me to look at everyone in the vicinity and think lovely things about them, just in case it could save them from whatever I had conjured up to eat Stephan alive.

Maybe it worked. Or maybe it was paranoia triggered by literal garden-variety insects — in any case, by that fall, I had started to let my guard go.

Until I saw Ansel kissing Flora Jayne.

Yes, Momma was definitely fixing something. The strong smell of wood stain had permeated the house and sent me fleeing outside, mind swimming in a lake that was starting to drain from my eyes. There they were, in the eaves of Flora Jayne’s house next door, holding each other close. Ansel was on tiptoe, as puberty hadn’t yet blessed him with the foot he’d grow when we were 15. Flora Jayne, like most villainous popular girls in these kinds of stories, had woken up one day at 14 with a fully developed woman’s body and a seemingly intuitive knowledge of how to use it to her advantage.

So there I was, still a lanky frame of knobby joints and flat flesh, standing on the back porch, trying to free my lungs of wood stain stink, and instead I had the breath in my lungs crushed out by the blurry sight of two figures standing just 20 feet away.

I wish I could tell you that I wiped the tears out of my eyes to make sure I wasn’t just delusional from the fumes. I wish I could tell you that I found that it wasn’t Ansel, but Charly Moon from down the road, with her newly shorn hair, kissing the woman who would later be her wife. And maybe in a different version of this story, that will be the case, but in today’s memory of it, there was no doubt that it was Ansel and Flora Jayne.

The weight of an invisible hand landed on my shoulder, and the gravel roll of a voice purred in my ear words that I don’t dare repeat now that I know what they’ll create.

Ansel came flying toward me, landing on his knees in the barren yard behind our house. Flora Jayne screamed, then grew silent. The hand that had been on my shoulder seemed to be clapped over her mouth now, and I could see faint colorful stripes fade into the gray masonry of the house behind her. The life didn’t leave her eyes; it just decided to stand still at their windows, watching helplessly.

I turned my attention to Ansel, who just weeks before had been sitting with me on the same dirt patch he lay prone in now. We had built a tent and watched the stars together, inches of bloated space between our skin saying more than if we had been snuggled together like we had been as small children.

The dirt around him grew darker, wetter. Soon it was mud, and the mud was writhing in the same way it had around the Baker’s Boy’s feet. I turned back to Flora Jayne, pleading the spot above her head to make it stop. The crusty deep reply came from right beside me: “It’s entirely in your control.”

I tried to think of every nice memory I had of Ansel to keep the bugs at bay, but my mind was clouded by the realization that while I had no reason to expect it, I wasn’t the only girl in Ansel’s life. That there were others and would always be others, because our long half-elf lives were just beginning. But while I had no right to claim him for myself on that summer’s day, my heart shrieked otherwise as it shrank yet another size smaller inside my chest.

The wind kicked up, lifting the edge of my own scarf so that it tickled my cheek. A cyclone had started rising from the dirt, carrying with it every manner of insect in a flurry of wings, stingers and tiny teeth.

“What the fuck is going on, Axiom?” Ansel yelled.

“I don’t know,” I cried, wishing it would stop. I turned to Flora Jayne and her invisible captor. “Make it stop,” I begged.

“You’ll have to get used to not being the only one,” the invisible man said.

Another look back at Ansel. I am not special, I thought. But if I’m not special, how can I do this?

“Because you have me,” the rock-tumbler voice said.

“Please,” I begged, squeezing my eyes shut, as if it would make me deaf to Ansel’s screams. “Please make it stop. I’m not special. I need your help.”

“Good girl,” the Man with the Colorful Scarf and Diamond Shoes said, his unseen hand giving my shoulder a squeeze that turned off the noise around me.

When I opened my eyes, I was on the porch still, and when I looked over to see if the Man in the Colorful Scarf and Diamond Shoes was still there, instead I saw Ansel and Flora Jayne kissing, just as I had before. A lone cricket sang in the hedge. The patch of dirt in the yard was cracked and dry, much like my heart, which was now considerably smaller and harder than it had been before I stepped outside that day.

Take it or leave it, of course. I’ve been lying to you fairly steadily since we started this voyage. Why would I stop now?

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Vignette: Spilled champagne amidst high society

The foaming bubbles of spilled champagne clung to her cheap jersey dress like a neon sign screaming “Look at us! A bottle of us costs more than this entire fake bitch’s outfit!”

She tried to sweep them away, crush them into the fabric, before anyone could see. It only made it worse, turning the turquoise synthetic a dark blue that could be seen from across the room. She crossed her arms over her chest, hoping to hide it, while feeling conscious of how flabby her arms were compared to all the rest in the room.

So this was high society, she thought, taking a ginger sip from the wide-mouthed coupe glass. Soul Cycle instructors and music producers; mothers who hired surrogates to protect their figures and hedge fund managers; falling star comedians looking for serious roles and producers looking for a name to sell a blockbuster. No wonder she hadn’t been to an event like this before Nick came along. She hated everyone here.

“You must be Nick’s—” the voices always trailed off at that part, unsure of what to call her. He was still married, and everyone here knew that, even though they were even more privy to the details of his divorce agreement, still unsigned. She saw the way their eyes all drew like magnets to her ring finger, expecting the first Mrs. Banks’ canary diamond there. She also heard their whispers in the corner, wondering which escort agency had sent her and how much they themselves would be willing to pay for a night with a perfectly average woman.

They ought to be more careful, she thought, looking down at her bare hands and slowly drying dress. They might cost Nick some money tonight.